Two Birthdays

It took until Thanksgiving weekend before I was finally able to make good on the promise I had made on January 25th of that year, to take my family member for sushi on her birthday.

We don’t live in the same city, and we both had our own set of life commitments, but when she and her husband had come to our house to gather with family for Thanksgiving I paid for her order from one of her favorite sushi spots in my current hometown.

Birthday celebrations with both my family member and with a friend often involved sushi, and in the case of my friend, whose birthday falls on January 26th, celebrations also involved a lovely cup of tea.

Though I am quite aware of these two January days and the lives of the women they represent, this year I will not be celebrating birthdays with either of them.

The family member, as I’ve described her thus far in this post, is a daughter, sister, and aunt, and having all of those roles in a family, and having chosen to distance herself from the family, her absence has left something of a hole for everyone. It varies of course based on each individual relationship, but it is noticeable. It’s sad.

Five months have passed since the incident, enough time for the anger on the part of everyone involved to have subsided, enough time for people to reach out, and several family members have – especially around the holidays, but the silence and the absence continues.

I sent an ecard. I found it hard to just let January 25th pass without saying happy birthday. I do send sincere wishes for a happy birthday, and I did after Thanksgiving without her, and at Christmas in the form of a unique and hopefully understood gift. For now it seems that’s all I can do.

When I mentioned the birthdays to my husband, he asked about my friend, since he’s aware of the family situation.

“Did you two have a disagreement about something?” was his question.

We didn’t have a disagreement. It was as though we just drifted apart.
It was in the spring of last year that she and I communicated last. I told my husband that I was trying to remember that conversation we had, by phone I’m pretty sure since she’s not a social media person, and what it was that she said, something like, “I’m just not able to be social right now” – or something to that effect.

I had assured her that I understood, because I do. If you know me or follow my blog, you know about my struggles with anxiety and panic disorder. I really do know how much energy social situations require at times, even fun ones.

I haven’t talked to her since. I would have to admit that part of me was frustrated that, after being friends since we were in our teens, she didn’t really need me, even though I made it quite clear that I understood and was willing to be there if she needed me.

In some of my friendships, including this one, I feel as though I am always the one reaching out to suggest face to face get-togethers, but I get back nothing more than “good idea,” and “soon.” And then soon becomes rarely if ever.

I think most people start to get the hint after being blown off enough that they’re not all that important. I have.

My friend is also a mom though, so in my search for the “why” in the not being all that important to her anymore, I found an article that presented the theory that mothers and women who have chosen not to have children cannot maintain a friendship long-term. Women with children have so much more in common with other mothers, and women without children don’t want to spend all of their time hearing about their friends’ children according to the article.

My friend’s husband teaches fifth grade for a neighboring school district, and they have planned to home school their kids for the time being, last I heard. I believe they’re daughters are five and four so schooling has certainly come into play by now.

I also wonder if it’s because I can’t drive, because if I did I could make the short trip over to her town and drop in for tea on one of my days off, but then, she might be working with the girls.

Maybe it is life.

Maybe it’s me.

I have tried to be introspective as it relates to this issue. I would like to have more solid friendships than I do, locally. I have an amazing, encouraging group of running friends across the country. I don’t want to discount those relationships because they are real and vital. I love those women. And the few friends I have locally – I value them as well.

My inability to cultivate more relationships locally at times has caused me to wonder what it is about me though. It may very well be that I am not being the kind of friend I would like to have, or this wouldn’t be an issue.

I don’t really know what it is in this case. What I do know is that two birthdays will pass without people who used to be part of my life.

The friend and I may or may not celebrate another birthday together.

I do hope that the family member will not choose to let more birthdays or holidays pass without rejoining the family.

Every birthday that passes is one that we will never have again.

Postscript: Neither the January 25th nor the January 26th “birthday girl” is in contact with me on social media at this time so this post is not a cryptic message to either of them. It’s just my thoughts flowing a little freely about days, relationships, and life.