“Notice of a Serious Incident” my first thought when I read that subject line in my emails was that a crime had likely been committed on the campus where I work.
As I read the description of the incident though, I began to suspect that the it was an attempted suicide.
The email told us that the incident involved a young woman who had been transported to the hospital, practically across the street from campus, and that her condition was unknown. The email went on to encourage the campus community to be supportive of each other, and then it provided the phone numbers for counseling and psychological services (CAPS) for students and for the employee assistance program (EAP) for staff.
The local paper reported in their online edition that the young woman had jumped from the parking structure basically confirming what I had suspected was the case.
I was on campus that evening. My shift ended at 6:00, and I had to wait until about 6:30 for my husband to pick me up after he had gotten off work. In the quiet of the library I was completely unaware that anything at all had occurred. Still I felt an eerie connection to the incident upon learning of it.
“How hopeless does a person have to be?” “How could someone be so selfish?” “How could anyone take their own life?”
Those seem to be the common questions whispered after a person has made that awful choice.
The realm of biology would tell us, and evidence supports the concept, that we are hard-wired to fight for our own survival. I think that’s part of the reason that suicide is an action that is so difficult for most people to grasp.
I cannot answer the question of “why” for any specific person. What I can tell you is that there comes a time in the life of some people when there seems like there is no way out.
The reason I felt a connection to the incident is that I spent some of the worst evenings of my life on campus about a year ago. it was often the worst between 5:00 and 6:30, while I waited for my husband to pick me up, often after battling panic attacks much of the afternoon. On those evenings I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, and I felt totally isolated and nearly hopeless.
I wanted to talk to someone, but who could I talk to. We can tell people we’re battling a cold or recovering from the flu, but we can’t really say that we’re battling panic attacks or working through anxiety disorders or depression. In spite of the efforts being made during this month dedicated to mental health, many people still dismiss mental health challenges outright or downplay them and diminish people who struggle with such illness.
So I felt like I was left to face those struggles on my own day after lonely, tiring day. I wanted it to end, but I couldn’t quit my job. I would disappoint my husband and maybe even other people, and, even though I wanted the panic attacks to stop, I would have disappointed myself as well.
I’ve never seriously considered suicide as a viable option (people with anxiety disorders tend to be afraid of dying – on a nearly daily basis), but I do remember thinking in desperation on one of those dark, autumn nights after I was safely home, but knowing I would have to go face the anxiety all over again, maybe that’s the only way out, the only way to find peace – maybe that’s why people do it.
Ultimately I was able to find some help and some peace, through six months of cognitive behavioral therapy, rides home from a friend – eliminating my wait time after work, faith that though challenged remains intact, and the love of those few people closest to me.
Having an understanding of the kind of darkness that mental health issues inflict, I still find it difficult to imagine the level of darkness that must lead one to go from the kind of despair I felt to the complete hopelessness that leads one to attempt to take her own life. That has to be a kind of darkness that I have not experienced.
For me there has always been just enough light to illuminate the path of hope. I could see light in the of the love of family and the responsibility I feel for some of my family members. Sometimes I remembered what it was like to feel good and free to do the things that I wanted to do, and I saw a little bit of hope that I would feel that way again one day. Finally I was able to find hope in the words of a song, “I’m no longer a slave to fear for I am a child of God”; though I had sung those words many times, it wasn’t until after I had spent several months working with my therapist and gaining healing that I could actually hear the message and believe it.
I have to admit that there are times when we sing that song now that I have tears in my eyes and cannot speak the words for a few lines because I remember so vividly what it was like to be a slave to fear, anxiety, and panic.
On the Monday evening of the serious incident that occurred on campus, I was okay in spite of some anxiety issues throughout the day. I definitely needed the tools I had gathered during my time in therapy, but they were working on that day. I didn’t feel like I did last year at this time. I wondered how that young woman felt that night, abandoned, ashamed, hopeless….
I don’t know if she had reached out to anyone. In the beginning of my struggles, I had felt like there was no one to reach out to, that no one would understand. Before I found my therapist, I did eventually reach out to an EAP through my husband’s work. The counselors on the phone have been helpful. I have also reached out by using the crisis text line.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please do reach out to someone. And if someone reaches out to you, please do your best to be there for that person.
It’s easy to think that all of your friends and family are just fine, but that may not be the case. I have been surprised to learn of friends who had either considered, planned, or attempted to take their own lives in years past.
It’s okay to be a little surprised, and it’s okay not to know exactly what to say. Being there to listen, without needing to understand, is the best thing you can do for a person who opens up to you. Being informed regarding resources to which you can direct a person in crisis is also immensely helpful.
I will conclude this post by listing some of those resources.
Crisis Hotlines (24/7):
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Crisis Text Line:
Text HOME to 741741
Veterans Crisis Hotline:
1-800-273-8255 and press 1
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233)
The Listener 