Losing weight, quitting smoking, and learning new things, these three top the list of the most commonly broken new year’s resolutions according to Time magazine.
While I truly like inspirational quote, “The miracle isn’t that I finished. It’s that I had the courage to start,” it seems there’s something about our ability to actually start off the new year with not only resolutions but also with tangible, written goals, and though we may have the courage to start, somewhere between the champagne toast, the cold, dark winter, the fleeting spring, the sun soaked summer, the return of autumn, and another hectic holiday season, the energy fades and the goals have been long forgotten.
Many of us will make resolutions or set some goals for this new year that is now upon us. I will be among the goal setters.
While I was lying awake around 1:00 a.m. on January 1, 2017, I thought about what I really would like to happen, and I realized that much of what I desire for the year ahead, and even for its conclusion, is beyond my control.
As you know if you’re a regular reader of this blog, I would like to move from our current location to one closer to family, both my husband’s and mine, and to make a new start as well. But I view our marriage as a partnership, thus I am not the sole decision maker.
The things that are within our control, like finances, suggest that it is not yet the right time to move on, and those things that outside of our control, like the real estate market or my sister-in-law’s health, may or may not fall into position in 2017 to allow for a significant move.
One of the primary frustrations that fuels my fire to move on is my lack of career success. Even that has seemed beyond my control. Knowing the world as I did as a 41 year old women when I completed the BS in exercise science, I still thought my internship experiences and my solid GPA would go a long way toward helping me land an ideal job. But it seems that it’s still not what you know but who you know, and to some extent how well you know how to play the game in any given career field, that will ultimately get you the job you want.
By the time May comes, I may or may not have a job. I need one, but I want to make the long, long trip to Michigan’s upper peninsula to see my niece graduate from high school. If I do have a job, we might not be able to go; if I don’t, maybe we will.
My parents want to see their granddaughter graduate, but it’s a long trip for them as well. Each of my aging parents has spent time in the hospital in both 2015 and 2016. They too wonder what lies ahead for them in 2017.
Whether or not you have aging family members, or you are that aging family member, no one ever really knows what health crisis or injury will arise and affect our long standing plans or our day to day lives.
To some extent, we can set our goals and write out the plans to achieve them, and while we often do have the ability and the power to make those changes, we are also lacking the kind of control that I believe we desire the most.
Any one of us may lose someone who we wanted to keep with us for years to come, may lose a career position that we worked hard to secure, or may give up on something we had been hoping would work out this year. Or one of us may meet that person that makes life enjoyable and special again, may find that the pieces have all finally fallen into place, or may actually see the results of our hard work pay off.
We sat in my sister-in-law’s hospital room nearly every day from December 21st through December 30th when she was released to go home. During that holiday week I thought about Christmas 2017. I so hoped that it would be very different from the week we had just experienced – that in 2017 happy, healthy family would gather together once again having fun and enjoying what has always been my favorite time of the year. Yet 356 days stand between today and a peaceful, joyful Christmas 2017.
As we all look out on this year that stretches ahead of us like a scroll that has received only a few marks of the pen, we cannot truly be certain what will be written until we look back upon it at this time next year.
The sights, the sounds, the aromas, the flavors, and the feeling….
Whether you observed the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe in the United States or Mexico; or whether you’ll be celebrating Boxing Day in Canada, Great Britain, or Australia; or whether you’ll be celebrate Hanukkah; or whether you’ll be celebrating Christmas in the US or abroad, you know what they are for you.
For me, a woman who celebrates Christmas in the Midwest, I know what they are for me.
Here, we’re used to seeing the white Christmas pictured in movies and on greeting cards. We love the Christmas light too, so much so that we pay to walk through exhibits at places like zoos or get in the car and drive around through local neighborhoods on cold, December nights just to see the light shows of competing neighbors.
We also like to hear the familiar songs of the season. Some like to hear those notes earlier than others, but the closer we get to December 24th and 25th the more prevalent the Christmas music becomes.
Though aromas may be different for each family, we associate the Christmas spirit with the scents of gingerbread cookies fresh from the oven, or the smells of cinnamon, clove, and the other spices that make the hot cider just perfect, or the holiday ham resting on the counter with its clove studded pineapple rings.
Once the ham has rested and has been carved, and the hot cider has been poured into lovely, little cups, and the cookies have been decorated and plated, we enjoy the flavors as everyone plows through the food like a Ford F150 plows through the accumulated snow.
But then there’s that sung about, written about, and very much sought after “feeling of Christmas.” It’s the hardest of the five to quantity, and though it, like the sights, sounds, aromas, and flavors of the season, differs somewhat for each person, it is quite likely the sense most tied with a common thread.
When we were children, I believe the feeling of Christmas was pure excitement. School was dismissed for two weeks. For those of us in northern states, playing in the snow was often part of the days’ activities. Special treats were available, and we were often allowed to eat more of those kinds of things than usual. Time with family seemed more fun. Then there were the presents – the ultimate joy of Christmas.
As adults though, the feeling of Christmas seems not only harder to define but often gets lost in the myriad of tasks that await us during the holiday season because our regular responsibilities remain while additional tasks are added to a seemingly endless extent.
When I think about the feeling of Christmas now, I think of words like joy, love, and peace. I think of cold, quiet nights spent inside enjoying cheerful Christmas tree lights and warm fires. I think of lovely dinners shared with the people we love the most. I think of time to reflect and breathe and to look forward to a new year ahead.
The reality is, though, that many people cannot be with the ones they love the most at this time of year. Still others will smile politely and count the hours until the guests who are sharing their house leave because of the tension that comes with the holidays.
Peace and quiet time are often replaced by stress and noisy stores. Enjoying all the holidays have to offer is replaced by the need to fall into bed and sleep so that one can get up the next day and repeat.
Real life may or may not provide us with the picture perfect holiday, the one sung about in songs and depicted in movies.
If you have the opportunity this year to have that picture perfect holiday celebration, I am sincerely happy for you. I have experienced more than a few myself, even as an adult.
If your holiday is looking less than perfect this year, I sincerely empathize with you as well.
I have learned that sickness, death, separation, and pain in all of its forms do not recognize the holidays. They are cruel and colder than a clear winter’s night, and they can creep into your life at any time.
We will spend at least part of this Christmas Eve and likely Christmas day in the hospital with a sister-in-law who right now is very ill. Her house is nearly ready for the Christmas Eve celebration she had planned to host, but her plans changed, because life is like that.
We’re not alone. When I got home and took a few minutes to settle after we spent December 21st in the emergency department with her, I heard through my sister that a friend had passed away that morning, not even 50 years of age. She left behind her husband and two children who are just beginning their lives as young adults.
The stories of sadness at Christmas abound.
So I wonder, what will make Christmas 2016 feel like Christmas, when not only will I not be with my family at Christmas, but I’ll be spending a good deal of it in the hospital with my family in law.
If you’re a person who fancies the tradition of watching the “classic” specials on TV, you likely have seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas. You know that all the Whos in Whoville woke up on Christmas morning, joined hands, and started to sing, without their Christmas trees, without their presents, without their food for the feast – even without the roast beast, because “Christmas came, it came just the same.”
And if you’ve seen the Charlie Brown Christmas from 1965, you know that, frustrated with all of the “commercialism,” Charlie Brown throws his hands in the air and asks if anyone knows what Christmas is all about. Linus then steps to the stage and quotes from Luke 2, concluding with Luke 2:11: “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a savior which is Christ the Lord.”
“That’s what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown,” Linus concludes.
I have been raised to believe that. I have chosen to believe that.
As I have grown from a child and learned that loss and pain do not take time off for Christmas, I ponder that scripture, for if it is truly what Christmas is all about for me, then it is the one constant thread running from Christmas past to Christmas present to Christmases in the future that can allow me to experience joy, love, and peace whether or not the circumstances surrounding Christmas are picture perfect.
To those of you who celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays to all.
I sat staring into the canal, gazing at the rippled reflection of brick red and beige townhouses, evenly spaced green trees, and the topaz sky as though the image was frozen in time.
Indeed it was. The image I was staring at on a recent sunny but snowy, 17 degree day was actually a picture from a much more pleasant day in May, May 13th to be exact.
My husband and I had celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary by renting a house from Home Away in a section of Indianapolis knows as Woodruff’s Place. On the morning of May 13th, we had ventured into the city once again to walk the canal and enjoy the sights since that was our anniversary itself, and our last day in Indy.
Though we had booked more rustic or isolated locations through Home Away prior to this trip, the experience of doing so in an urban location was new for us. We found it to be a terrific experience. It allowed us to “live” in the city, to take daily walks in what was for a week our new neighborhood, to find a little co-op grocery store – with really good homemade soda, to orient ourselves to the city based on the neighborhood, and to discover the “feel” and identity of that part of town located between the majestic, historic homes of Woodruff’s Place and “the near east side,” an area experiencing a bit of a rebirth.
Being a person who has lived with an anxiety disorder for years, I am very committed to my comfort zones so I was rather surprised by how quickly I found that I felt at home in our neighborhood in Indy.
I had been in Indianapolis once before, with a former professor and a group of his current and former students for a professional conference. We had stayed on the other side of town on that trip. My friend and roommate, the only other woman on the trip, and I had discovered some of the personality of the city by visiting a museum, walking around the city with other members of the group, and by using the bus system to commute between the conference center and the hotel.
It was on that trip that I had developed an affinity for Indianapolis. It was on our anniversary trip though that I discovered that not only was my affinity for Indy confirmed, but I could also see myself living in a place other than this place that I have called home for ten years.
I used to fear change. I think to some extent on some level, I still do. But recently, with all that has happened in my life, the lack of success in particular, I find myself longing for change.
It is often said that trials cause us to grow as people, or can give us that opportunity at least. What we do with it is up to us. It is only recently that I have begun to think about our trip and about how I started to picture life as it would be if we were to live in Indy permanently, and in thinking through those things I discovered some possible growth within myself.
I do wonder though. Is it from a place of growth that I can see myself living elsewhere and embracing the challenges that come with change, or is it out of anger, anger at this place that I have called home that I feel has betrayed me to some extent, has given so me little opportunity to succeed. Of course, I prefer to the first of the two options, but in an honest assessment, I would say that it’s a little of both that powers my desire to make a new start.
For several practical reasons, Indianapolis is not on our radar as the place in which we may one day make a new start. I can live with that.
We have had a chance to visit on a frequent basis the area that is the most likely place to which we would relocate, close enough to family but far enough for a new start. We haven’t actually rented a house there, but we have stayed in the town often enough to become quite familiar with the area and with the practical aspects of the town. We have even walked through some of the neighborhoods in hopes of gaining a feel for it from the perspective of a resident.
Though I could say there’s no time like the present, it really isn’t time to move on just yet. I hope it will be soon. The truest test of my growth continues to come in the area of patience.
Some have suggested that when the career success that has eluded me finally comes, or that when our house has had the work done that it desperately needs, I may not be so quick to want to pack that moving truck and roll out. They could be right, but I honestly doubt it.
After having experienced the contentment I found so quickly in a new place, something in me wants to make our life together in the next ten years different than it has been over the last ten years.
As I look ahead to 2017, it is my goal to move forward in some ways, knowing that the time for relocating isn’t now, yet looking forward to that time, without my mantra becoming, “Until then, I’ll just have to muddle through somehow.”
It was August 18, 2014 about 1:30 in the afternoon, and it was hot.
I was waiting for a bus on the outskirts of the EMU campus where I had just spent the last three plus hours with my peers. Each of us had presented our internship case study thus completing the requirements for the Bachelor’s degree in exercise science.
Not only was I hot, but I was also worn out, relieved, and a bundle of other emotions as I waited impatiently for the bus. A young woman joined me at the bus shelter and said hi. I returned her greeting. A simple “hi” was about all I wanted to offer at that moment.
The young woman went on to talk to me about the fact that she had recently realized that people “say” things online to people that they would never say in person. She said that people “don’t even know each other.” That being the case, she had decided to talk to people that she wouldn’t normally talk to, like me I guess, a woman about 18 to 20 years older than she was and with whom she likely had little in common.
We continued the conversation a bit more on the bus. I tried to be polite and even legitimately agreed with her points about how social media can lead to incredibly rude behavior and a lack of willingness to get to know people with whom we may not feel comfortable, then I wished her a good afternoon as she got off at her stop.
As I think about the events of the past year, particularly the past several months, I am more convinced now than I was on the afternoon of our conversation that social media allows for some incredibly bad behavior. Both prior to and following this past election, it seems like the bad behavior has spilled out from the keyboards and phones of the virtual world into the schools and streets and even homes in real world.
Upon my husband’s recommendation, I recently listened to a podcast, released prior to the election (and likely even more interesting to hear in light of its results), entitled “Civility in the Public Square”, held at The Center for Faith and Work of the Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City. The two speakers were New York Times journalist Nicholas Kristof and professor of law and religion at Washington University John Inazu. Both men then sat on the panel for questions with author and the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church Timothy Keller.
In his opening comments Kristof addressed the issue of civility, or the lack thereof, by saying that at this moment in history it is easy to point fingers at “Twitter or the internet or today’s candidates,” yet he cites not only the “viciousness” of candidates running for office from early American history but also cites examples of incivility in the public square from ancient Athens.
While in a way it’s good to be reminded that humans have always possessed the ability to be less than civil, and that these issues are not unique to this point on the timeline of history, the concerns regarding how we relate to other people, especially those whose world views differ from our own, are valid, and it would be naive to ignore the likelihood that technology has made it easier to be less than civil at times.
It is because I want my social media forums to be for friends, family, and fun that I choose not to comment directly on political issues, or other issues of importance that are complex. It is also because I am completely capable of contributing to the incivility that I choose not to comment on the more controversial issues. It’s not because I am uninformed or disinterested but rather because I know me, and I know that I want to win – always. I know that if I enter into a “discussion” about controversial issues, I will go all in.
In my case, it’s the desire to win that could lead me to behave in a way that I should not behave in, not to start name calling, because that’s not my style, and not to start throwing out false data that supports my point of view, because I know how to research, and I do so on topics of importance to me, but rather to see how my deathless prose could make my point while cleverly insulting those who just cannot grasp my point of view.
No matter the tactic, those kinds of “discussions” often quickly digress to that point of incivility.
With concerns over living in a pluralistic society seeming to be on the rise, the podcast speakers shared their ideas for increasing, or regaining, civility in our country, ideas such as humility, patience, and tolerance.
Humility was presented in the podcast by Inazu as recognizing the limits of what one can prove as it relates to one’s beliefs. Whether in light of the context set forth in the podcast or in light of the traditional denotation of the word, humility negates approaching a discussion from a position of arrogance.
Patience as presented by Inazu “encourages efforts to listen, to understand, and to empathize. This does not mean that we accept other views….” Both of these statements are of the utmost importance in a country that always has and, I hope, always will consist of people with a variety of ideas and opinions. Understanding and empathy do not mean even acquiescing, but they mean that one is willing to engage with someone in spite of the differences that do exist, and are likely to continue to exist, between them.
During the podcast, Keller said that tolerance was a challenging term for him, calling it a “weak” word. I held an opposing view of the word, finding it to be very polarizing because I viewed it in the current context in which it seems most frequently used, that of forced acceptance. But tolerance was presented by Inazu in this way: “Tolerance means that people are free to pursue their own beliefs and practices, even those that we find to be morally objectionable. It requires a practical enduring of differences.” In a way, tolerance in this context is that now forgotten idea that, while I disagree with what you have said, I defend your right to say it. Many people find that very concept difficult to accept when the idea that disagreement always equals hate is becoming prevalent.
The three men involved in the podcast agreed that not everyone will get on board with the concept of trying to come together to find common ground. I agree with their position. For some, the very act of listening to a person with whom they disagree, of learning about the realities of the life of that other person, may challenge their own concept of marginalization or of moral superiority.
I gave my blog the title “The Listener” because, as I mentioned in my introductory post, I have been told on more than one occasion that I truly listen. Kristof made the point that “we tend to talk at each other” rather than truly listening. Often we don’t listen to discover new information, and we don’t listen to learn or to gain understanding or empathy.
One may find that the life of the person deemed as “privileged” has actually been fairly hard, that even after serving his country in the United States Army and working his whole life, his children had watched friends bring bags of groceries to their family after he had been laid off – more than once, and now he finds himself in later years in a situation where he has no factory pension, no health insurance other than Medicare, which leaves him and his wife with sizeable medical bills after frequent hospitalizations and outpatient care for both of them over the last few years, and he’s still working in fact, basically still living paycheck to paycheck in his 70s.
Or one may learn that the Arabic young man who moved into the community is actually not a terrorist in disguise, but he is bright and interesting, and cares about his mom and his sister and is trying to find a way to fit in while dealing with college, work, and dating, and all of the other things that go along with being a young man in his 20s.
On that hot August afternoon, I wasn’t all that interested in listening to the idealistic 20 something. But I tried. Even on that day, I appreciated the fact that the young woman decided to step outside of her comfort zone.
In our case, we didn’t discover a great deal of personal information about each other, but we talked. If I had thought of her as only a self-absorbed millennial, I would have been incorrect in that she did challenge herself. I don’t know how far she has taken that challenge. I hope she has continued on with her quest to engage in face to face interaction with a variety of people.
As for me, while I ascribe to a specific world view, and while I hold close my set of values based largely on that world view, it is my goal to proceed in life in part as a scientist would, believing that proof, or 100% certainty, is rarely if ever achieved, that I don’t have all of the answers to the complex questions of life, and that the search for knowledge and answers is the more valuable approach to addressing the complex issues.
Perhaps more importantly though, it is my goal to proceed as a person of faith should, to aspire to the goal that journalist and author Philip Yancey aspired to in his search for a practical way to live his faith, to “see to it that no one misses the grace of God….” What a significant challenge to show that kind of grace as a human living in a complicated world, yet it is through this approach of showing grace, or humility or patience or tolerance, that I believe we have the best chance for once again being that nation that can say “out of many (with our differences) one.”
*For those interested in listening to/viewing “Civility in the Public Square,” I am including the link.
The Listener 