Speaking of Sex

“I need to write another blog post about sex,” I told my husband recently, pretty much in jest.

I’m not sure why, but the other day I noticed a YouTube post entitled “What No One Is Saying About Saving Yourself for Marriage” by a young woman named Emily Wilson; it was among the many videos suggested to me by YouTube. It was only about fifteen minutes, so I decided to watch it.

Wilson said that she made the video to speak openly about this topic that is so often not discussed very openly.

Sex is definitely no longer something that is whispered about, in secular settings. In the more conservative religious communities, trust me, it is not openly discussed, with the exception of the instructions given by pastors not to do it unless you’re married.

While I support the premise of abstinence, especially for teenagers, I definitely believe that this topic needs to be discussed more openly in conservative and religious settings.

Not doing the deed because God said not to until you’re married may motivate some people, but it’s not the only reason, and for young women, it may not be the reason that carries the most weight; maybe that one reason should, but orders without honesty don’t really mean all that much to teenagers.

In the video, Wilson said, “There is no way to know how vulnerable sex is until you have taken part in it.”

I had never thought about sex in those exact terms, though I can certainly understand her point, and her choice of the word “vulnerable” is a good one.

Even in this current, crass society, women haven’t changed to the extent that having sex, especially for the first time, cannot help but unlock a door of unfamiliar and conflicting emotions that are unlike those associated with anything else she has experienced. Having a few laughs and even sharing a few kisses with a guy is nothing like baring your body for the purposes of sharing it with him.

Though I would think most adults would agree that engaging in sex is not ideal for teenagers, the position of waiting for marriage beyond the teenage years seems to be a rather unpopular one, especially among Wilson’s target audience, which seems to be young women who are college age or young professionals – basically millennials.

Wilson, who chose to wait for her wedding day to have sex, said that she does not view herself as better than others who chose differently than she did. She did say that she received a lot of criticism, as did her friends during their college years, from people who didn’t share that conservative view of sex.

I know a fair number of people who would, and do, criticize religious people for being judgmental of others’ choices, thus I find it quite interesting, though not surprising, that people are so critical of this very personal choice that some young women have made.

The message Wilson is sending is clear though; she said that she experienced great joy in having waited, and she wanted to share some of the things she has heard from friends who didn’t wait for marriage. Wilson said that many have experienced regret: “Once you meet that man (your husband) you realize what you could have shared with him that you didn’t that you are no longer able to, so many women that I know, that reality is just crushing for them.”

I had two thoughts after hearing that statement. My first though was, did these women’s partners feel the same sadness when they realized that they could have shared something special with their wives, but they were no longer able to do so?

Just wondering, because I would think that a woman who has saved herself for marriage, desiring to give that gift to only one special person, would deserve no less than the same in return.

Perhaps there are some guys out there who have regrets about having had casual sex, and who have made different decisions as they have matured, which brings me to my second thought. If either a man or a woman decides at some point that they have been too casual with sex and decides to make a change, hopefully they can leave the past in the past and not allow it to be a “crushing” presence in their present. committed relationship

Sex is a complicated part of human relationships, coupled with emotion and even with physiology.

If I were to give some advice to my niece, who is now eighteen, I would say I know what you’ve heard in church – don’t have sex until you’re married, but you may or may not have heard much more than that because the grown women still don’t talk about it.

Having sex at the wrong time can be among the biggest mistakes you’ll ever make. An unplanned pregnancy wouldn’t prevent us from loving you, but it would prevent you from living the life you should be able to live, from enjoying your youth, from pursuing your goals, from chasing your dreams.

Beyond the obvious consequence are the consequences that you really just can’t understand until it’s too late, until you’ve opened a door to a part of yourself that you  may or may not have been ready to have opened.

If you choose to honor the standard that you’ve been taught from the Bible about waiting for sex until marriage, then stand firm no matter who is intolerant of the beliefs that led you to make your choice.

Know who you are. You must value yourself in such a way that you aren’t looking to a guy to make you whole. Know what you deserve. You deserve someone who values you for who you are, not for what you can give him, sexually or otherwise. Know what you expect in return from that person to whom you may choose to give your love.

While you might regret having sex too soon, you’re not likely to regret having waited to have sex.

I don’t regret never having to wonder if I might be pregnant when my periods were a little late as a teenager or a 20something. I also don’t regret knowing that I didn’t have an STD when I had an irregular pap test result in my mid 20s. And I don’t regret marrying my husband even though, for us, giving ourselves exclusively to each other on our wedding day was not an option. We have given ourselves exclusively to each other for over eleven years now, and he has been a good partner, friend, and lover.

Even in the most committed relationships sex can be many things, from a point of contention to a lot of fun, but I think it’s only in the most secure relationships that it truly becomes everything positive that it was meant to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like A Girl

“At the end of the day, I’m just a person that loves volleyball, and I want to play it. I just love the sport that I play, and I wanna try to continue to do it, so I just keep pushing to make sure that I do.”

Chloe made that statement in a segment of a show called Identity which is an Olympic Channel original series.

She had been playing volleyball for a community college, after having played in high school, and she had decided that she might have the skills required to play on an NCAA team. She had reached out to a few NCAA division two teams, but she was rejected by most of the teams.

Chloe was born a boy. During high school, the young athlete had competed on a boy’s team.

During the segment of Identity, Chloe said that she isn’t sure if revealing that she is a transgender athlete played any role in her rejections from the division two schools.

She found a place on the division three UC Santa Cruz women’s volleyball team after the head coach, Coach Morgan, had reviewed the film she had received of Chloe competing in games with the community college team for which she had played.

Coach Morgan said, “What I noticed with Chloe is that she is a strong volleyball player. She has a lot of power, and she’s also tall.”

During the segment, Chloe made a statement about people having issues with transgender athletes, in particular those competing with female athletes because of the physical advantages. She said that those concerns are more fear based than scientific.

It is the aspect of the physiology, rather than sociology, morality, or any other aspect of identity, that I will pursue in this blog post.

Three of Chloe’s teammates were interviewed, and one made the comment that: “I don’t think like anyone on our team has anything like oh my gosh, she’s transgender. I don’t think that was ever the talk between any of us. It was more of just looking at her as another person who’s coming and might take more of your playing time.”

While that young woman’s point about looking at any new addition, whether an incoming freshman or a transfer like Chloe, as competition for playing time is valid, the bottom line is that there are physiological differences between sexes.

Whether or not Chloe has chosen to undergo surgery as part of the transition was not disclosed in the segment that aired on the Olympic Channel, but the athlete did discuss the impact of taking hormones, saying that they “caused all of my male muscle to melt off.”

In late 2015, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) members met with an “expert panel” to review their policy regarding  transgender athletes.

Medical and Scientific Director for the ICO Dr. Richard Budgett stated: “The IOC’s involvement with transgender athletes and their eligibility for sport really is based on consensus meetings on any subject that is important to the health of athletes. Previously the IOC had recommended within the guidelines that surgery was needed for transgender athletes, and naturally there was some concern because we have an overarching responsibility to make sure that all athletes are able to take part in sport, and so it’s about participation. But with that there has to be fairness in sport, and that’s a fundamental principle in sport. To balance these two inevitably leads to some debate and some disagreement, and so there was in the transgender guidelines as well.”

At the time of the meeting, the IOC guidelines required a surgery that would make both internal and external “modifications” in order for the athlete to compete with other athletes of their chosen sex.

The result of the expert panel meeting, according to Dr. Budgett, was: “After much debate, and it wasn’t unanimous, the new consensus statement makes it clear that if medical treatment can be shown to be effective then no surgery is required.”

Dr. Budgett’s comments regarding the decision of the IOC were featured in a different episode of Identity. The brief episode did not address specific ways in which medical treatments were determined to be “effective.”

A statement from an article by Steven Petrow entitled “Do transgender athletes have an unfair advantage at the Olympics” printed in the Washington Post does seem to support Chloe’s claim that a male athlete’s muscle “metls off” when that athlete is transitioning to female: “The first-ever study of transgender athletes showed that the hormone therapy that facilitates male-to-female transition does more than just suppress testosterone. Published last year in the Journal of Sporting Cultures and Identities, the study showed that as testosterone levels approach female norms, trans women experience a decrease in muscle mass, bone density and other physical characteristics. ”

This one piece of evidence was enough for the writer of the Washington Post article, who said, “So science is science….”

Whether for the IOC, the NCAA, or even local high schools, the issue of transgender participation in sport still raises significant questions, or at least it does for me. These are not topics that we covered in exercise physiology courses, but we did discuss some differences between male and female athletes.

The IOC had in place a two-year waiting period for transgender athletes in order to compete at world championship events.

Is that due to the length of time that it has been determined is required for an athlete to transition physiologically? Is a waiting period unfair to transgender athletes, as some claim that it is?

What about reversibility? Is it possible that a transgender athlete who was once male could forego treatment for a period of time in order to gain an advantage? Would a drug test detect that change?

What is the acceptable level of testosterone for a female athlete transitioning to a male athlete? Will banned substances guidelines eventually need to be reviewed and changed to accommodate changes of sex?

How young it too young for an athlete to start taking hormone treatments in order to change sex? If a high school age athlete is too young for such extensive treatment, how will fair play be evaluated given the physiological differences between the sexes?

When I started this post, I had hoped to find some conclusive answers to these, and the many more, questions that I have, but it became rather quickly apparent to me that to do so would require weeks, if not months, of research and a paper of approximately 10 or more pages, with an annotated bibliography.

The Washington Post article concluded by saying that “The controversy and trans-shaming continue.”

Chloe’s segment of Identity closes with her comment, “All my life dreams are literally coming true. I never expected any of them to.” On a personal level, who would begrudge her that. But this issue is much more than personal.

I think that many of the athletes, officials, and governing bodies that are perceived to be “trans-shaming” are, like me, honestly trying to unravel the tightly woven ball of complexity that this issue was destined to become.

“Acceptance without judgement” may make for a great placard, but acceptance without questioning, that’s just ignorant, and sometimes even dangerous.

NOTE: Since publishing this post, I have discovered the following NCAA guidelines for transgender participation

NCAA Policy on Transgender Student-Athlete Participation

The following policies clarify participation of transgender student-athletes undergoing hormonal treatment for gender transition:

1.    A trans male (FTM) student-athlete who has received a medical exception for treatment with testosterone for diagnosed Gender Identity Disorder or gender dysphoria and/or Transsexualism, for purposes of NCAA competition may compete on a men’s team, but is no longer eligible to compete on a women’s team without changing that team status to a mixed team.

2.    A trans female (MTF) student-athlete being treated with testosterone suppression medication for Gender Identity Disorder or gender dysphoria and/or Transsexualism, for the purposes of NCAA competition may continue to compete on a men’s team but may not compete on a women’s team without changing it to a mixed team status until completing one calendar year of testosterone suppression treatment

Any transgender student-athlete who is not taking hormone treatment related to gender transition may participate in sex-separated sports activities in accordance with his or her assigned birth gender.

• A trans male (FTM) student-athlete who is not taking testosterone related to gender transition may participate on a men’s or women’s team.

• A trans female (MTF) transgender student-athlete who is not taking hormone treatments related to gender transition may not compete on a women’s team.

 

 

Unfounded Visions of Grandeur

This afternoon I set out to make a cake, a lovely cake for a family member. It would be bright, colorful, and cheerful.

I’m not completely inexperienced when it comes to baking cakes. I have been baking cakes and cupcakes for quite some time, and at the age of 44 I have had pretty good luck with most of them since I started baking them in my late teens. 

My mom has always been a very successful home baker, and my grandmother baked semi-professionally. I am amazed that my grandma did and my mom can also make those candies and caramels that require the perfect temperature and a lot of patience. They also both did some sugar art. There’s some skill in my family history. 

Before I set out to make my cake today, I called my mom because I wanted to know how to go about making an effective decorators frosting. My mom told me that shortening is the best way to get the right consistency, but since I never use shortening I had none in the house. 

In doing a little quick research after talking with my mom, I discovered that shortening is indeed the magic ingredient for decorators frostings. 

My husband usually comes home for lunch during the work day,  and he did so today as well. As I was discussing my dilemma about shortening versus butter with him, I discovered that I had no powdered sugar in the house. One can make a decorator frosting with only butter, but it’s really hard to make frosting without powdered sugar, and even I know that.

After acquiring both powdered sugar and shortening, I set out to decorate the cake that I had made yesterday afternoon and had kept in the refrigerator to cool. 

The cake would be a rectangle, and it would look like a little present wrapped in yellow paper with colorful flowers or stars made using the star tip I had purchased earlier this morning while out for a bike ride. 

As I set out to frost my cake, I quickly realized that the crumb coat I was trying to put on wasn’t working. No matter how hard I worked at it, my vision was failing to become a reality. I was becoming frustrated, but I kept trying. 

After having frosted between layers, I still had enough frosting to use the base layer as a crumb coat and try to smooth it all out with the frosting that I was going to color in other colors for my flowers, but the harder I tried to smooth it out the worst it got. Brown chocolate crumbs kept penetrating through my pale yellow frosting. 

Nearly out of frosting by this time, I did the wet knife trick and smoothed the box shaped little cake as best I could. I grabbed some sprinkles I had in the cabinet and dusted the top with a generous coating to cover up all the crumbs. 

During the process I had thought about throwing the cake out, but a lot of time and some money had been invested in it already. I was trying hard not to quit. I pictured myself as a contestant on Spring Baking Championship, the one who breaks down crying because things are going so badly, and everyone feels bad for her. 

With that mindset, I had to keep on trying to get something to put in front of the judges. 

In the end I was able to smooth out most of the yellow frosting and to even out the sprinkles. I have an ugly but complete little cake. I  will take it to them tomorrow and tell them this is probably the ugliest cake they will ever get. 

For a time when I started college as an 18 year old I was an art major. I have a little talent in that area and a decent eye for color and layout. My design idea for this cake would have been pretty good, but without practice, well serious practice, in this area I didn’t stand a chance of pulling it off. 

I’m not sure why I thought that I could do a pretty good job with this particular endeavor. I am amazed at the skills of some bakers and cake artists. I don’t think that I possess that skill set just because I can follow a recipe or create color combinations that work, but for some reason today I thought I could pull off something pretty amazing. 

I didn’t. 

Oh I was angry and frustrated and even teary for a few minutes, but I’m not devastated. I learned some things. 

One thing I learned is that mom’s decorator frosting recipe is a good one, and I will use it again in the future. 

Another thing I learned is that I really should stick to cupcakes. Even without a star tip and a pastry bag, I can make a pretty decent spiral just with a butter knife and a decent icing. 

The other thing I learned is that even “the basics ” in any given discipline can take a lot of practice. Sometime in the future I’ll try again at some of these techniques I had hoped to use today, maybe one technique at a time. 

For now I have an ugly cake to deliver, and a few laughs are in store I expect.

Point to Point

Google Maps told me that it would take just two hours to reach our destination for the night of July 4th.

We left our home around 10:30 on the morning of July 4th and we reached our hotel at 2:50 p.m. If you’re doing the math, that’s a little more than two hours.

We were not lost, in fact, the closer we got to our destination the more familiar it was to my husband, the driver, because our destination was the area in which he grew up.

My husband likes to take his time getting places, to see what’s out there (in this case farm and other flat land), and to travel the roads less taken. We have taken the interstate to my husband’s home town plenty of times throughout the years that we have been married, and though it had been about a year since we had been, the signs on the interstate are still more than familiar even to me.

While I can appreciate the break from the same old same old sentiment to an extent, I tend to become restless and even frustrated after having sat in the car for more than about three hours.

We did stop a few times during our July 4th trip, to use the restroom, to grab a few things to add to the lunch we had packed, and to eat that lunch. Because we were taking the roads less traveled, we didn’t have to stop at a rest area off the freeway or find a fast food place. Instead we found a lovely little park with an inland lake. We spread out our blanket under a tree, attached the dog’s line to the tree so she could lie in the cool grass, and we enjoyed our lunch. Clearly there are advantages to taking the less expeditious routes at times.

Often my first question of either my husband or Google Maps, or both, when we start discussing a trip is “How long will it take to get there?”.

At the end of May, we took a trip to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula to attend my niece’s high school graduation party, and because we hadn’t made that trip to see my sister and her family at their home in seven years. We often see them when they make the trip downstate, where the rest of the family resides in various locations.

Though I had a pretty good idea about how long that trip would take even seven years after having made it, I looked to Google Maps once again to see the time estimate. The great and powerful Google told me it would take 9 hours and 10 minutes of driving time to reach our destination.

Nearly the entire family, whether it’s those of us going up from downstate or the “Uppers” making the trip across the Mackinaw Bridge to the Lower Peninsula, divides the trip into two days. We had chosen to do so as well. During our evening at a hotel about an hour south of the Mackinaw Bridge, I had a conversation by PM with a friend, and I told her where we were headed the following day. I said that I would try to enjoy the journey.

The trip to the Keweenaw Peninsula provides for all of the “off the beaten path” experience most people could want, and then some for many of us. My husband was actually looking for the most direct route to our destination on that trip, and really there is only one route, with only a slight variation.

I would have to say that I failed in my quest to enjoy the journey, particularly on the dreary, then foggy, then rainy, then stormy drive through the vast, empty spaces and the pines of the UP.

I knew it would be a long trip, I had tried to prepare to accept it, but I was just not into that long, long drive. Though the trip back was better, also divided into two days, it still wore on me.

It seems to be something in my personality, perhaps a flaw of sorts, that causes me to look at a trip in terms of the final destination and of the time and effort that will be needed to reach that destination. Enjoying the journey is not my thing.

As you might expect, that mindset carries over into aspects of life other than traveling. I first noticed it when I was in high school, so ready to move on to college to prepare for my career. I noticed it again in my junior year of college while I worked at my summer job as a cashier at Burger King, just wishing I could start working at a “real” job in the career for which I was training.

After I started working full-time for a local newspaper, I started to think about what might be next, a nicer apartment than the studio in which I lived, more money to afford that and other things. And so it continues.

As my career has stalled these last two years, I have found other ways to address my need to get somewhere. I have continued to train for runs of various distances and bike events and have found other things in which to participate with a beginning and an end. Even then, I am always looking toward the finish line. While I work on enjoying the training processes, what I learn from them, and how they challenge and change me, I still focus on the end game.

Though I work to be a person who is introspective and seeks to improve in areas where I see, or am told by people whose insight I value, that I may need to improve, I am not sure about this particular area. I expect that it’s more enjoyable to be able to take it all in and enjoy the processes, but I really do think that I may always be a person who sees the destination and wants to get to that point as soon as possible.

And yes, some may call it impatience. I call it focused.