The Perspectives of a Lifetime

For the last several days  something my dad had said has been drifting back into my mind like the clouds that drift across the sky. I decided to grab on to it, ponder it, and see what it is about that statement that intrigues me so.

My mom will celebrate her 75th birthday this Saturday, February 25th. I have talked to my dad by phone several times over the past week in trying to plan what we had hoped would be a surprise party. During one of our conversations, dad told me that “mom was looking at life expectancy and saw that the average is about 78.”

It began to dawn on me then that my mom, both of my parents really with dad being a few weeks away from 71, are at a point where they have lived the vast majority of their lives, with many years behind them and possibly 10 or fewer still ahead of them.

Just yesterday, February 21st, my niece turned 18. She got her driver’s license this past weekend, and she’s looking forward to graduating from high school at the end of May.

As my mom looks back on 75 years of life, my niece is looking forward to the 60 or so years that current life expectancy data predicts she is likely to receive.

At just over a month from turning 44, I find myself a little more than half way, looking back on four decades but looking forward to the possibility of three more decades.

While I have realized for a long time that one’s age provides a certain relative perspective on life, I don’t believe it has been so clear to me how much age may affect one’s perspective on life until these last few days.

My mom is looking at a relatively small amount of time left here on this earth, though likely longer than three years, but then again, she has had two heart attacks and has stents in her arteries. I wonder, does that affect the way she lives her life?

You would think that it has to in some ways, but how much of an impact can it really have. So much of life has been lived, decisions made, chances taken, opportunities passed. There is no going back.

Though my mom has not traveled abroad, with the exception of Canada which used to involve little more than a “Hello” and “Where are you off to today?” at the border for those of us who live in Michigan, she did travel quite extensively  on the east coast as a young woman. She worked and had her own money and her own sense of style. She has always been busy, parenting us, taking care of the home and a significant part of the finances, caring for foster children, primarily babies, parenting our two adopted sisters, working at the little motel that she and my dad purchased about 20 years ago, and always working on gardening or something.

My parents are not wealthy people. After several years trying to make the seven unit motel successful, they returned it to the holder of the land contract and now rent a small house.

Travel, with the exception of small trips primarily within the state, is not an option for them in their retirement. Upscale retirement communities with swimming pools, chef-prepared meals, and social events are certainly not available to them.

I expect there is concern on their part about what the future holds, given their health issues and their financial situation.

I wonder what they see as they look forward, so much of life already in the past.

When I looked at my phone Tuesday morning,  I saw a Snapchat from my niece saying, “I’m 18 now.” That random picture, which wasn’t a selfie,  did say a thousand words. I could feel the youthful exuberance. I know her situation, and I know that she believes a great deal of opportunities are opening up to her now.

I wonder what she sees as she looks forward,  so much of life likely still ahead.

I know that my niece will have good times, and I hope they are many, and I know she will have hard times, and my wish for her is that they are few.

I know that my parents will face more hard times, but I hope that they still have many more good days ahead.

As I look at life from a little beyond the middle, I remember being young. I didn’t look at life like I do now, of course, but I didn’t look at life the way I wish I had either, the way I think some young people may and probably should.

I saw expectations and responsibilities lying ahead of me, and that is as it should be to some extent. But I didn’t see great possibilities either. Like my niece, I grew up in a rather restrictive environment, not so much at home but enough from the combination of home, the parochial school, and especially the church that we were in at that time, that I didn’t feel like the world was open for me to experience and to explore.

I have grown and changed a great deal from my 20’s to my 40’s, as have most people. I now view faith and life in a much different way. I have left some customs, stereotypes, and “standards” behind, but along the way I have gathered new insights, from a variety of sources, have gained valuable experience, and have come to some conclusions for myself, including the conclusion that I do not now, nor will I ever, have all of the answers.

I’m still learning, and I always will be learning. I am still struggling in ways and wishing I could develop the maturity, or whatever it is that I’m missing, to move forward in some areas that seem to be a perpetual challenge for me.

Here in the middle, I know some things that my niece doesn’t, and while I occasionally share bits of encouragement and insight with her, I know that she’ll have to learn many of life’s lessons on her own. She too will have to come to her own conclusions and realizations.

And here in the middle, I wish I knew some things that my parents know now; that maybe I could get some insight into what lies ahead before I actually reach the destination; that perhaps I could figure out how I can avoid wishing I would have done things differently from this point until I reach the point where they are now. I can see for myself some of the experiences they have endured and can hear the words they share, but I expect that there are some things that I will not be able to fully understand until I have reached the place in life where they are now.

I remember holding my niece, feeding her a bottle as we watched the snow drift down onto pine trees from the window of a lovely, little log house that was the first home of her parents; it’s hard to believe she’s about to decide where she’ll go to college. I can’t believe that I’ll be turning 44 at the end of March either, four decades of my life over already. And though my parents have been quite independent, I am finding it time to come to the realization that they are growing old, and that their time here is likely shorter than longer.

Whatever your belief about the origin of life and the afterlife, we all understand that life has a physical beginning and a physical ending for each of us. I believe the way in which we view the significance of those moments depends to a great extent on our stage in life for the perspective is often vastly different as we travel along its path.

 

 

 

What Love Is & What It Isn’t

My Facebook news feed came alive on Tuesday with pictures of roses in lovely shades of pink, peach, and of course the classic crimson red.

Tuesday was Valentine’s Day.

Some people consider Valentine’s day to be a Hallmark holiday and are content to let it pass with little if any acknowledgement. Many people make small gestures of affection for their spouses, children, or best friends while others adorn themselves and their spaces, and those of their loved ones, with red and pink and all of the trappings of Valentine’s day they can find.

Whether a person chooses to participate in the festivities or not, the pink and red hued hearts leave no doubt that Valentine’s day has become the day that is set aside for celebrating love.

We all know though that love in its truest forms cannot be expressed in a single day.

It wasn’t that long ago that I heard a great deal of talk about love. The word was used quite frequently in both 2015 and 2016 as groups claimed to have it all over other groups who they believed didn’t have love, leading to an interesting juxtaposition of the word in which “Love” actually became a battle cry of sorts.

It’s no secret that there is a bit of a divide in our country right now, and it is both frustrating and fascinating to observe as opposing factions of an issue or political persuasion shout at each other, each side claiming to be the “loving” side while angrily declaring the other to be the side of the haters.

Though the divide still exists, and is fairly significant in some ways, fortunately I hear less of the claiming of any particular side to be the loving side of the battles that continue.

Most people know what love is, and how it is to be expressed. Love isn’t just a simple hashtag or a clever catchphrase, and it certainly isn’t a battle cry to be claimed by people on either side of a bitter dispute who may need to stop talking and look in the mirror, as we all must from time to time.

Love is often displayed by placing our self interests, desires, or even needs behind those of others. Still love must be balanced with the need to love ourselves enough to set goals that will lead to our betterment and fulfillment. It must also lead us to set boundaries that will allow us to care for ourselves and those closest to us, and that will protect us from those who would take advantage of our to show love.

Really loving challenges us every day to become better versions of ourselves because our behaviors, rather than our words, will ultimately reveal the depth of our love.

Thought it is defined as “an intense feeling of deep affection,” love is vastly more complex. It is action expressed in a myriad of ways through an ever-changing swirl of emotions.

Love was recently expressed in me through the spilling out of tears as I browsed the many pictures of the cat I still miss, and it changed in an instant, to a warm sensation of happiness at a picture of the smile on the face of the man I love as he looked down at his first granddaughter resting in his arms.

Love is often quite emotional, but it can be just as often solely practical.

It’s letting your family decide where to have dinner, even if you know that their choice wouldn’t be your first choice. It’s doing the laundry even when you’re home sick because, even though you don’t feel great, your spouse has worked a 10 hour day. It’s leaving an unexpected little note to offer encouragement.

It’s being there even when you don’t know what to say. And sometimes,  it’s telling the truth even when it’s not easy.

Love….

It’s a mystery, a tragedy, an epiphany, a journey.  It is intangible, but it is invaluable.

May we show love, and may we receive love, not only this Valentine’s day week but always.

Finding A Familiar Face in Frozen

While barely even awake, Anna realizes that “It’s coronation day!”

Once dressed, she begins to run and dance through the castle singing “For the First Time in Forever,” pausing to grab a few pieces of chocolate from a carefully arranged platter causing a mini avalanche, stepping on to a swing high above the courtyard below, and eventually spinning around a lamp post as the crowd begins to filter in for the ceremony and the celebration to follow, singing exuberantly the whole time.

If you have seen the movie Frozen (and if you have young children, I know you have), you can picture the scene, the young, impetuous red-haired Anna in a gown of various shades of green celebrating in song, “For the first time in forever, there’ll be music, there’ll be light. For the first time in forever, we’ll be dancing through the night.”

It is not Anna’s coronation day,  but rather it is the coronation of her older sister Elsa. The two sisters had been orphaned when they were much younger after their parents were lost at see on a voyage that was only supposed to last a few weeks.

As her younger sister sings with joy about the day ahead, Elsa also sings a few lines, behind closed doors where she has spent nearly all of her life: “Conceal. Don’t feel. Put on a show. Make one wrong move, and everyone will know.”

As the song nears its conclusion, each of the sisters sings the line, “It’s only for today….” For Anna, it’s almost a lament at the fact that she only has one day to pack in as much interaction and fun in as she can. For Elsa, it’s a bit of a relief, knowing she can likely endure just one day of publically performing her duties and of being surrounded by people.

Last Saturday, I met two long time friends for dinner, though we hadn’t all been together in quite some time. We had a lovely Indian meal, and as we talked, Frozen came up in our conversation at one point. As one of my friends said, it’s a good teaching tool.

After about an hour of my sitting in the crowded, warm restaurant, I began to feel my heart racing and to feel very closed in. I needed to use the bathroom, so I excused myself finally, hoping that getting up and moving, getting some air, would help break the panic attack that had started. Getting to the bathroom meant passing through the rather large group of people who were waiting for a table. It seemed like there were people everywhere, and like air was in short supply.

I went back to the table, still feeling the affects of the panic attack. I sent my husband a text and asked him to come get me, though we were almost done with our dinner gathering. Low vision prohibits me from driving, so I had ridden to the restaurant with one of my friends.

Both of my friends know I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and have suffered panic attacks off and on for years. But still, I felt the need to conceal, to put on a show so that hopefully no one would know.

I waited for my husband with my friends who had driven me, and who had then found out what was really going on. I told her that it was hard to be an Elsa.

Those of us who see more of ourselves in Elsa often find that we internalize. The expectations that are placed upon us by others, or by intrinsic motivation, weigh very heavily upon us. We often see the problems before we see the possibilities, if we can see the possibilities at all. Given all of the pressure that we feel, we often are very fear based people. We fear disappointing others or letting them see our flaws. We can be very aware of our weaknesses though, at least some of them.

In wondering how one becomes an Elsa, I began to think back to the birth order research wondering if I might find the answer in the characterizations of oldest children versus the babies of the family.

An article entitled “Birth Order Characteristics,” by Karen Fraz, states some of the commonly held beliefs regarding personality traits based on birth order. Oldest children are generally found to be high achievers or overachievers, people pleasers, conformists, leaders, and authoritarian or bossy. The youngest children often tend to be silly, risk takers, idealistic, charming, and self centered.

Though those long ascribed similarities based on birth order often prove to be true, it turns out that, as one might think, birth order is far more complex than those commonly presented characteristics. In reading the review paper entitled “A Review of 200 Birth-Order Studies: Lifestyle Characteristics,” I discovered that researchers look not only at ordinal birth order, but also psychological birth order. Many other factors come into play as well, especially in blended families, but even when a blending of families is not present, factors such as sex, age difference among siblings (specifically noted was an age difference of greater than five years), and cultural norms regarding ordinal and sex status.

The emphasis on the difference between ordinal birth order traits and psychological birth order traits explains a lot in some cases, because, while many people I know exhibit characteristics commonly ascribed to them based on the ordinal theory, some people definitely do not.

In the movie, Elsa exhibits some traits of the oldest child, trying to please, initially at least, and she carries the weight of the responsibilities, and the bizarre powers, that have been given to her.

As an oldest child, I too tend to carry the weight of the expectations of others, and of myself, and I was definitely a people-pleaser and a conformist at one time. Though I don’t believe that I would be described as bossy (my husband may offer input on the subject), I certainly lack patience at times, more with myself than others though, and definitely with circumstances.

Circumstances also play a role, sometimes a rather significant role, in contributing to our personalities. Those who have more experience with psychology or social work know that the nature versus nurture perspectives also come into play when assessing what makes us the people that we are.

Ultimately, many factors have combined lead to the version of ourselves that we have become.

On the night I met my friends for dinner, I was certainly trying to conceal what was going on inside of me. 

Why?

I’m not entirely exactly , except that I have had a lot of practice concealing the things about myself that I didn’t think others should know. It probably would have been easier because as hard as it is to have a panic attack, it’s even harder to pretend you’re just fine. 

I guess sometimes I just want to be a care free Anna, to be excited about the adventures that may lie ahead, to see the possibilities, to just enjoy the moment.

Of course I had been looking forward to seeing my friends. But I have been told by professionals in the field that panic attacks will likely always be part of my life. I view it as a bit of a remit and relapse cycle, sometimes they come frequently, sometimes rarely, but they come even at times or during events when it doesn’t make sense. 

While I see more of myself in Elsa, I have made it a goal to lessen the load I place on myself, and the load I allow others to place on me, and to try to look out that window like Anna, with real anticipation rather than with guarded expectations.

The sources I cited in this post are listed below:

http://kids.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Birth_Order_Characteristics

Click to access 25862f1f32bc8327d014ba28abc6334ce81b.pdf

 

Be That Person

Have you ever had the experience of finding out what someone actually thinks about you, about your character, about your talent?

I am fortunate to have a spouse who not only sees in me things that I really don’t see in myself, but he also believes that I really can accomplish anything I put my mind to. I know this because he has said those exact words.

That being the case, he has supported me when I have taken some risks, training for a half marathon with Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training while trying to raise $1500 (for which we were responsible if I didn’t reach that minimum), returning to school to get an exercise science degree, and trying to pursue a career in that field.

Fortunately the Team in Training risk paid off with a successful completion of the half marathon and raising of the money, but the other risks, not so much yet.

Knowing that he is on my side, and knowing that he loves me as I am sets me free to try, and to know that he’ll be there to celebrate the victories and to give me a hug after the defeats.

I have friends and sisters who see things in me that I do not see in myself. They encourage me to dream big and to challenge myself.

Some of these women have known me since I was a teenager. They have seen me grow and change. They know the good and the bad about me. They have offered guidance; they have called me out – once or twice; and they have been there to offer support.

Other friends are more recent, in the past ten years or so, and these ladies challenge me, whether or not they know it. They are diverse, intelligent, busy people, many of whom are also runners like me. They inspire me to reach higher, and their toughness, dedication, and passion for their goals, and for our sport, pushes me to work harder than I might want to work some days.

Though I have many acquaintances, I have a fairly small circle of close friends. It’s just part of being an introvert I think.

The point is not that we have a large number of friends, or that we’re married or in a relationship, or that we have a huge family, but that someone in our lives sees the best in us – that someone believe in us.

How powerful are words like, “I see your talent”; “I believe you can…”; or “You have a gift for….”

For someone who lacks confidence, or for someone who is afraid to try, or for someone who sees the good in others, their high grades, their ability to dance, their fearlessness, but cannot see it in themselves, those words are not crushing expectations; they are affirmations that can propel a person to achieve amazing things.

Inspiration like this can come from our spouses or our long time friends, but it can also come from other people, and it carries just as much weight as if it had come from someone we are intimately close to.

While I was working on my degree in exercise science, I had three core classes with the same professor. I remember the first day in his class. As part of the roll call, he was asking people why they were taking Introduction to Exercise Science. When it was my turn, he called my name. I acknowledged by a half-hearted raised hand. He said, “What’s your excuse.” Having been fourth of fifth on the roll, I had assessed the situation and had decided I would play. I gave a rather elaborate answer about my reasons and plans, including at least a plan A and a plan B, if not a plan C.

Even though I was being a bit impudent on that first day, as the group of us assessed that one person standing in front of us, I remember having no doubt that the person standing in front of us was very intelligent, and that we would have to earn our grade in his class.

At some point during that semester, I began to develop a true respect for our professor, not only for his knowledge of the subject matter, but also for the person he was showing himself to be. I had been right; his expectations were high, but he was willing to work just as hard as he expected us to work. He was available to help, patient in answering questions, and genuinely interested in his students as people.

The relationship did progress to the point that he and his wife joined my husband and me, and some of my close friends, for lunch after I participated in commencement. While everyone was getting settled at the table, he slid a note toward me. I put it away, and we all continued on with conversation and lunch.

When I read the note later, I was amazed at the kind things that my professor said about me and about my writing skills, and that he signed the note, “With Respect and Admiration….”

It was like a reversal of roles in a way. I was the one who had respect for him. It was very humbling, yet very uplifting, to read the words he had written.

When someone says things about you that you may not realize are true, or sometimes you know they aren’t, or sees things in you that you do not see in yourself, that person has given you an invaluable gift, for if you truly value that person, you will do everything that you can to be that version of yourself that they believe you are or can be.

Do you see something in a spouse, a friend, a sibling, a niece or nephew, a student,  or someone you coach or mentor that they don’t see? Tell them.

Are you proud of someone you care about for who they have become, or for something they have been working hard to achieve? Tell them.

I hope you all have the privilege of having people in your lives who believe in you, and who have made, and continue making, you better. Be more than grateful for those people, be that person for someone else.

 

To those of you who have been that person for me, thank you. I continue to work to be a better person for it. And as we prepare for another GOTR season, I hope that maybe I can be that person too.